Of Christmas Without You

Dear Tris,

I just want to see you come strolling through the door,
with Grant in your arms and you singing
“Silver Bells, silver bells, it‘s Christmas time in the city!”
I want to sit down and drink a cup of coffee with you.
I want to listen to you talk, to hear you laugh.
I would love to hear your latest joke
or bit of news you learned today.
I would just like to hear your voice again.

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I would want to sit in Mom’s living room
with you and the rest of the gang.
Have loud discussions, listen to everyone’s opinion
being voiced at the same time and laugh!
I wish you could carry the little kids around
and keep the peace with the big ones.
I want to sit across the table from you again,
to watch you laugh and have a good time.

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I would want to tell you about Christmas this year.
There was talking, there was laughter sometimes,
there was good food, and wild kid times,
but still nothing was the same this year.
80 days before, our lives were turned upside down
and we will never have a Christmas like the old ones again.
This Christmas there were tears,
the pain of missing you was just so great
that it overshadowed the joy.

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I would love to tell you about the lockets
I gave Katelyn and Aleigha.
I whispered “These are from your Daddy!”
and you should have seen them smile.
A picture of you on one side,
and one of them on the other.
They are so proud of them
and keep them tucked inside their dress,
close to their heart.
I see them reach and pull the locket out,
they open it and finger the picture.
They miss you so!

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I want to tell you about the grills the guys bought,
how they research everything
and figure out just what temperature
and how long everything needs to be on.
They don’t wing it like you would,
they like to know what’s happening.
You would have gotten a huge kick out
of the fact that the chickens weren’t done
for Sunday lunch because the electricity blinked
and turned their grill off.

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I would like to tell you about Tyson’s 30th birthday party,
the one you were already planning before you died.
He thought he could sneak out of having a party,
but of course you wouldn’t let him get away with that.
We surprised him very well!
You would have loved it!
There were so many people there,
so many people you would have liked to talk to,
so many people who came because they love him!
He was your favorite person next to your little family
and I know you would have loved to see him celebrated.

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After his party, we took a picture, just us lonely 3 siblings.
We smiled, but we missed you!
You always had your ways and we couldn’t believe our eyes
when later we saw you had sneaked into the picture with us.
It made us smile again.

I would want to tell you that the new road is done!
I would want to tell you how we drove it,
how we cried, how we missed you.
We talked about you while we drove,
there were so many things you
would have wanted to see along the way.

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I would want to tell you about
all the little things that happened this weekend,
things you would have loved to see.
The knives Tim gave the guys in memory of you,
the dirt bike in Mom’s kitchen,
and how Eric and Tim built a table for Sarita.
I would tell you about the little bikes Tys is making,
you would be so proud of him.
It was a warm Christmas,
you would have been happy about that.
I really want to tell you about all the things
people are doing for your little family,
how well they are being taken care of and loved.

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I want to tell you so many things
that I didn’t tell you before,
so many things I should have said.

I want to tell you what a wonderful dad you were
and how much your little family loved you.
I would want to tell you what a hero you were to them,
the one they trusted, looked up to
and couldn’t wait to see at the end of the day.
You worked so hard for them, took such good care of them
and were the anchor of all their lives.

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I would want to tell you how much we miss you,
how badly we hurt because you’re gone.
I don’t think you knew how much
you meant to us, how much we loved you.
We struggle without you,
but your Jesus walks with us.

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Some days we aren’t sure if there is much left of us because
the Tris shaped hole in our hearts keeps growing larger all the time.
We’ll keep fighting because when the sun sets each day,
it means we’re one day closer to seeing you again.
Love you lots and hope your Christmas was better then ours.


3 thoughts on “Of Christmas Without You

  1. This writing and speaking your heart does bring healing, little tiny bits at a time, so keep on. Keep loving his family too….and may Jesus continue to wrap His arms around you all.


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