Weary of Well Doing

After weeks of sickness, this Mother is weary of well doing.
I am weary of fever, coughing, crankiness and snot.
I am weary of being tired, one kid still up at midnight, another up at 5.
I am weary of reading blogs about loving, enjoying
and making the most of every moment.
Did I just write that?

I am weary of fighting the ‘guilty’ battle,
thinking that I’m not doing enough for my kids.
I am tired of feeling selfish.
Weary of trying to become that uncomplaining, loving-life mom.
Tired of fighting the feeling of not wanting one more little person to crawl on my lap,
of not wanting one more little body to ‘needneedneed’ me.
Pure selfishness you think, yes, I am right now.

I am weary of reading about being a health nut.
As I chew my Rice crispy candy, I don’t want to hear one more word
about all the wickedness that is in that goodness.
I want to make a pan of gooey bars and just eat them all without
caring if they stick to the extra 10lbs that are already hanging around.
And not care in the least if they are full of all evil.

Did I just admit all that?
What is wrong with me?
Why am I not thankful?

I wander around the house picking up after these small people.
I stick the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the pantry.
I stuff another piece of rice crispy candy in my mouth.
I sprayed down the shower hours ago.
It’s still waiting while I write blog posts in my mind, chewing my candy!
Why am I not cleaning that shower while the little one naps?
All the while, my mind is whirling amid the pirate noises from the living room.

IMG_20131205

What am I missing?
Where is my joy?
Why am I not loving all of this?
Why are all these thoughts assaulting me?

I think I am missing Jesus.
Other then that, I have no fancy answers
for all of this.

A thought niggles in the back of my mind,
is it possible to love your life,
but not necessarily enjoy every single aspect of it?
With Jesus you can find Joy in it,
but you don’t really have love it?
That would be me right now.
I have a wonderful life, no question,
but there are weeks that I don’t just lovelovelove it.

I’m gonna give Jesus a shot here today.
While I do that, I need to get the milk out of the pantry,
and then go scrub that shower.
Little One is awake already,
and she smiles sweetly when I walk in the room.
I can’t help but squeeze her, even tho I am oh so tired of being needed.
Maybe that squeeze was Jesus coming through.

Now in the name of honesty here,
if you have kids and you’ve never felt like this or have no idea what I’m talking about,
please refrain from commenting those particular thoughts
while I try and pull myself back together.

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21 thoughts on “Weary of Well Doing

  1. I know just how you feel! I’m so relieved to read this. Really. There seems to be this trend, of fantasy blog writing. Only writing these fluffy, airy blogs about wonderfulness, clean houses, hours to do sweet, adorable, one of a kind crafts – and honestly, those blogs (at times) make me feel angry. Sad, I know.

    Hoping everyone in your home is on the mend, it’s amazing how one full night of sleep can restore our bodies and our minds!

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  2. oh my. this so sounds like my journey!! I told my hubby that im gonna read the JOY book -Philippians until I find it. And Really – it helped! But im finding more and more that if im thankful for the little things, I find joy too. No, not cheesy- now im giddy- joy. But more deep within me joy. And I think its because thankfulness points me to Jesus. Sigh. But a nights sleep would still feel soooo good! πŸ™‚ Just so you know that you are not alone πŸ˜‰

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  3. Oh wow. Right there with you. And I agree with the others, a good night of sleep can do so much. Hope you get one soon. And I hope good health is restored to all very quickly.

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  4. I hear you. Today I am so physically weary. I can’t even remember the last time I felt this tired. This past week has been the hardest in a really long time. But your title reminds me of the whole verse “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” Somehow we don’t give up entirely, hoping to live this firsthand!! When, I don’t know!! Hopefully we get to reap sometime in our lives yet πŸ˜‰ I also hope this verse applies to weight loss. It’s fine not to eat those treats (not Rice Krispies candy for me- I can stay away from those!) but to sacrifice and still not see those pounds budge is discouraging!! I could eat a chocolate candy bar right this minute and wash it down with a glass of Coke and I guarantee it would at least give me a little energy!!!

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  5. I get it. I told Leon yesterday that the constant noise, chatter, arguing, etc. from our family of 4 can drive.me.crazy. Although I know we are called to home school for now at least, there are those times I want to send them all out the door at 8 AM, so I can have quiet and finish the sentences in my head.:) You are normal…and smart…for seeing your need of Jesus. Being a Mom drives us to Him repeatedly and that’s a GOOD Thing. Hugs to you and wishing for health.

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    1. I could have written that!
      Love your post Shannon. Hang in there. Life is certainly not all peaches and cream here either. I’d just like to step into the kitchen without someone wanting food or a drink rightthisminute! Hope your kids are all well soon and that you get a few full nights of sleep!

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  6. It’s like you’ve been living in my mind Shannon! Everything you just said has been playing through my head for months now. So many perky, driven, goal-achieving bloggers writing about their impressive “New Year’s resolutions” all the while I’m thinking, ” I’d just like to take more showers and get a little more sleep.”

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  7. Are you here watching me this morning?? Um. Because yeah. I’m there. Hope your next day was better. Or maybe the one after that or that maybe at least there was a good moment or two in there somewhere. ha. That’s what I always long for, the good moment or two to get me through til bedtime.

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  8. oh… I so understand the mommy guilt…I have it too.
    I hope, hope you guys feel WELL soon…sickness is so awful in so many ways!
    May you ‘feel’ Jesus in you home today.

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  9. I can totally relate. I believe every honest mom can. Mine are adults and teens right now. I too am tired. I pray He would meet you where youre at. He gets it , and loves you.
    Christina

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  10. Great, Honest post!! I hear you (even here in Australia!!). According to my friends who have older children – it gets better!! Apparently we are doing the hard yards now!! Tonight in our study group (focusing on Joseph) we heard that ‘Acceptance’ leads to joy in service. So lets embrace the really messy, guilty, exhausted, sometimes shouty Mothers that we are and (stop believing the lies coming from perfect blog/pinterest land) pray the acceptance that will lead to joy!

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  11. I read a blog recently that compared motherhood to hiking up a steep mountain and every 30 feet or so was stationed a sweet elderly lady yelling,” ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS STAGE?!!!IT’S OVER SO QUICKLY!,ENJOY EVERY MOMENT! SEIZE THE DAY!” I’ve finally decided for myself, at this moment(it may change tomorrow), in this stage, I have an overabundance of wonderful, perfect, unattainable parenting knowledge and tips but when the rubber hits the road, that knowledge just serves to pile the guilt on! There’s no other life I would rather have but I dream of a whole nights sleep and a whole day without saying NO! STOP HITTING,SPITTING,SCREAMING,POUTING…….

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